MORE BREAKING NEWS: America. Your black President has been replaced. I’m your black President now. Someone get me a mango smoothie. Tell my wife, who I love, that if she wants to shop at the mall don’t look at me. The Secret Service can drive her.

And tell DERRICK HAWKINS who borrowed my grill master eight months ago that if I don’t get it back by the next State of the Union he can consider his ass on a no-flight list.

Any questions? I ain’t think so.