Guys I’ve taken on the horrible endeavor of recapping a VH1 reality show for the NBAOffseason blog. I may not have the stamina so enjoy it while it lasts.

nbaoffseason:

What Happens on Reality TV in Vegas, STAYS on Reality TV in Vegas

I wrote this recap of the season premiere of VH1 reality show Basketball Wives out of dumb boredom when I realized that not one of “me storyees” - Mad Men, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, Eastbound & Down, and Delocated - is currently on-air, and that my cat has the whole “don’t talk when humans are around” thing down cold. Does your cat talk? (i think mines does) 

ANYWAY, lets meet the gurrrls!

 

Shaunie O’Neal is the ex-wife of “The Big Alimony,” Shaquille O’Neal. Shaunie is ostensibly den mother of the bunch- the voice of reason. Not afraid to pull a wife aside during brunch and let her know she isn’t eating brunch hard enough and it’s affecting the team.

The girl she’d most likely pull aside is former Orlando Magic cheerleader Royce. Royce is also Dwight Howard’s baby’s momma. You may know her from getting low at a Terrell Owens pool party. Right now she dates a man named Dwayne (not Dwyane). Dwayne (not Dwyane) is sweet but he hasn’t “made her hips spread yet.” Those are her words. 

It occurs to me that dating the ex-girlfriend of an NBA player must be an exercise in self-confidence, sexually. When I think of Dwayne (not Dwyane) I picture Woody Allen blowing on Royce’s neck while she thinks about Dwight Howard dunking a medicine ball over a giraffe.

 

Next up is Antoine Walker’s ex-wife Evelyn, a self-proclaimed feisty little bitch. She lets us know right off the bat that everything she has she owns- her and her alone. You hear that lone sharks and IRS collections agents? That’s not Antoine Walker’s bamboo luggage rack! It belongs to Evelyn. 

Later on we find out Evelyn’s self-proclaimed independence only goes so far. “I’m going to find a new man. I’m going to have a new baby. It’s going to work out,” she says with all the determination of Mrs. Schroeder’s character arc on Boardwalk Empire.

Jennifer is the wife of Eric Williams. You may remember Eric Williams as the poor man’s Walt Williams, or as the guy with the horrible +/- ratio, or as the guy who almost drew a charge but didn’t get there fast enough so the ref called it a block, or as the guy who almost scored a layup plus the foul but didn’t get there fast enough so the ref called it a charge.

Next is Suzie who was married to Michael Olowokondi. x_x

The new girl in Season 2 is Tami who we all remember as the fledgling singer on Real World: Los Angeles in 1993. She gave up on that career to marry Kenny Anderson and support his fledgling career as an NBA point guard. Then they got divorced. Then she got a weave. 

There is a very depressing scene where Kenny Anderson visits his two teenage daughters Jazz and Lyric for the first time in years. He has his own opinions as to why its been so long and asks Tami to apologize for keeping their daughters away from him. Tami points out that Kenny has had both of his daughter’s cell phone numbers for some time now, and that Kenny could have called his daughters anytime Kenny wanted to, thank you very much. This is shaping up to be Season 4 of Eastbound & Down.

It’s a sad scene. The whole show is, actually. Basketball Wives is an altogether disheartening glimpse into the love life of professional athletes. I won’t pity anyone whose household income is a $30 million dollar contract, but every one of these relationships seem unbelievably cynical. Built on 5 game road trips, undeleted text messages, and player’s wives who hang out with other player’s ex-wives like some strange Before/After window menagerie reflected in a carnival mirror.

But none of that is very funny, is it? You know what is? Shit that happens in Vegas not staying in it.

Evelyn is all worked up because fellow basketball ex-wife Al Reynolds (he was married to Star Jones who is shaped like a basketball) heard about their trip to Vegas over the summer. Evelyn can’t believe it. How does Al Reynolds know about her trip to Las Vegas with Jennifer and Suzie? Jennifer is right next to her just as clueless. Someone is being a gossip, and that someone’s name starts with an “S” and ends with an “Olowokondi.”

Evelyn shames Suzie in public, and then for good measure does it again in front of the rest of the wives. Is this why the LeBron in Vegas article got nixed? So many secrets. Suzie walks out defeated then calls the only person in the world that can guide her through her emotional peril. Matt Barnes wife, Gloria.

*a record scratches*

Matt Barnes??? No one told me there’d be Matt Barnes stuff on this show. I hate to admit it just as much as you probably hate to hear it, but this might not be my only recap of … (drumroll for effect) The Basketball Wives.

~SlapClap