Posts tagged: lol
I watched an infomercial today for something called the Big Skinny wallet. They say in it that “the Big Skinny wallet solves the top 5 wallet problems since 2005.” A truly humbling statistic.
Now I know what you’re thinking…”What are the top 5 wallet problems? And hurry up, I’m at the scene of a crime!” Well here they are you loathsome criminals:
#5 Sharp leather corners like knives
#4 Greaser wallet chain asphyxiation
#3 Jason Bourne (blames wallets on Treadstone)
#2 The makers of Clown Pockets™. “Clown Pockets: Play it loose!”
#1 Emptiness :(
MORE BREAKING NEWS: America. Your black President has been replaced. I’m your black President now. Someone get me a mango smoothie. Tell my wife, who I love, that if she wants to shop at the mall don’t look at me. The Secret Service can drive her.
And tell DERRICK HAWKINS who borrowed my grill master eight months ago that if I don’t get it back by the next State of the Union he can consider his ass on a no-flight list.
Any questions? I ain’t think so.
Don’t get taken in by the glamour of that turquoise blue mood ring. His “Crystal Cave” refers to the butt hole.
“I don’t give a shit! You get a gold toilet bowel in my dressing room bathroom or I won’t take a shit!”
~Anonymous
This is still the #1 album in Atlanta STD clinics.
Your boat is beautiful.
“Thank you. I enjoy sailing. Out on the water I feel like I can be myself. Sometimes I lay out on my stomach by the railing and whisper things to the water. Things I never tell anyone.”
Things like?
“Like that this isn’t my real hair. It’s actually a rather clumsy toupee. No one else knows this. I am sorry I just told you.”
Don’t be sorry.
“You’re right. You are the one who is sorry. Because no one knows and no one will know.
Let me lay out for you your final few hours on this earth: we continue to sip riesling as the warm sun embraces our skin and shimmers off the blue water. For this brief moment we exist outside ourselves. Until you notice a slightly acidic aftertaste at the bottom of your stemware. Oops, you just fell into the water. Too bad I can’t save you but I am so full of wine and sun that I went into a deep slumber. Only when I wake do I realize you are gone forever; that it’s just me and the water once again. I have another secret to tell it, and as I do I see my wondeful hair in its reflection.”
You’d think that disco band Village People would have found some kinship and a new audience during the new romantic movement. But there was just an irreconcilable difference of opinion about body hair.
